


Where's my mind

by twdeadfanfic



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 11:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20339161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdeadfanfic/pseuds/twdeadfanfic
Summary: Reader has manic-depressive disorder, and she has run out of meds, which makes it hard to control it, and hard to control the way she feels and the way in which it changes, no matter Daryl tries to help.Inspired by the requested prompts  Maybe you should fuck yourself” and “There’s nothing wrong with you”, and also the request for a manic-depressive reader.





	Where's my mind

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I did this right.

You hummed as you sorted things in one of the cells of the freshly cleared cellblock, getting them ready to become rooms. You didn’t notice Daryl walking past the cell, and he stopped when he heard you, walking into the cell, a tiny but smile on his face.

“You seem in a good mood.”

You looked up when you heard his voice and smiled. “How wouldn’t I? We found this place, it’s safe, it has fences and walls…” Sure, you still needed to clear more areas and whatnot, but it was the best thing since you lost the farm. “It’s all we hoped for.”

“Guess so.” Daryl nodded. “What were you singing anyway?”

“I don’t sing, I hum. Let the singing to Beth and Maggie.” You shrugged. “Just a song I used to like…what’s your favourite song.”

“Dunno.”

“Come on, think harder.” You giggled.

“Why you care?” Daryl grumbled and you let out a sigh.

Even though you both had been friends for a while, getting to know Daryl and have him sharing things about himself was still like pulling teeth most times, no matter how much you wanted to know him better. He was your favourite person, you were sure, he’d become so during that horrible winter, no matter than when you met back at the quarry you could hardly stand him. A lot had changed since then.

“Just…I told Beth what was my favourite song, and she and Maggie sang it for me…thought they could do the same for you.” You shrugged, feeling a bit silly now. Daryl seemed shy but he gave you a small smile.

“Don’t think I have a favourite one.”

“Well, if something springs to mind just tell me.” You grinned again.

“Okay…gonna see if Rick needs me to do something.”

“You work too much! Just relax for a day…look at this place” You waved around at the sturdy walls. “We’re safe. This place is perfect. I think things are going to go great for us for now on. I can feel it!”

It felt so good, finally having hope again. You thought Daryl was going to roll his eyes at you or something, but he just smiled at you, reaching to pat your arm before leaving.

*

Of course, you shouldn’t have had hope. You should have known by now that nothing could go well in this world. Everything you wished for always turned into ashes, nothing ever went right while everything that could go wrong, went wrong. You’d been so stupid. What was the point on trying to find happiness in this world.

Hershel had been bitten, and Rick’d been forced to cut off his leg. You’d found people in that prison, convicts who didn’t seem friendly at all. And endless corridors and rooms full of walkers. This prison wasn’t heaven, now it seemed like hell, but you were trapped in it because the outside was just a deeper level of hell. There wasn’t hope anywhere.

“Hey, you okay?” You had been so lost in your head you didn’t even notice Daryl walking into your cell until he sat down next to you on the bed, squeezing your shoulder ever so softly. “Y/N?”

You shrugged, still hugging your knees to your chest as you looked at the wall in front of you without seeing it.

“Hershel’s going to be okay. He’ll get through it.” Daryl reassured you and you didn’t say anything. It was a miracle he’d survived the bite, sure, but what was he going to do missing a leg? How was he going to run away when needed? You couldn’t still think that any place in this world could be safe enough, not even this prison…you didn’t say it aloud though, as it seemed too cruel.

“Those convicts, they could murder us in our sleep, same with walkers, they’re everywhere,” you said instead. It was true too.

“No, we have the cellblock closed, there’s always someone on watch. The convicts won’t dare, and walkers can’t get in.” Daryl assured you and you just shrugged. They’d find a way, they always did. “We start clearing the walkers tomorrow.”

You shook your head. Someone was bound to end up dead doing so, you could see it. Maybe everyone. You’d been losing people slowly but surely. There wasn’t another outcome. But none would listen to you. There was no point.

“I’m tired,” you murmured, shifting to lie down on the bed.

For a couple of minutes, Daryl didn’t say anything, just looked at you, before getting up from the bed. “Okay,” he whispered, reaching out to brush his knuckles over your arm ever so softly. In any other moment, that gesture would have made you beyond happy, but right then, you didn’t even notice it.

*

You were ashamed of yourself. Everyone’d been working all morning while you did nothing but mop in bed. Even Hershel was working, missing leg and all. Rick had kept up the plan to clear other cellblocks, and what was the point on saying it was crazy, none would listen to you. None ever did. None cared about what you thought, about the sensible thing. So you didn’t even bother to say anything, and just kept mopping in your cell.

But you were done with that. You were angry at everyone for never listening, for ignoring you, for getting in risk without thinking it twice, as if they didn’t care who they left behind. You wouldn’t be surprised they didn’t care about you, though, it seemed like so half the time. They all were so close…had you every fit in? You didn’t think so, not now that you thought about it.

But why would they care anyway? It wasn’t like you contributed to anything, you did nothing, and today was just another proof. There you were doing nothing. Over everything, you were angry at yourself for that, more than you were at the others. You had to move your ass and do something. There was a cellblock they hadn’t cleared yet, you could see it from your small window. Taking your knife, you made your way to it.

You got into the cellblock, closing the door behind you, the sun that came through the small windows dimly illuminating the place. It didn’t seem to be any walker there, but when you hit your knife against the metal railing you heard their growls, and soon several of them poured from the corridor that led into the cellblock.

You charged against them, viciously sinking your knife into their heads with anger and frustration, not caring that soon they were too many for you. You barely registered the door opening and then Daryl rushing in, putting down walker after walker with the knife too until he managed to close the door of the corridor to stop them from getting in.

“Are you crazy?!” He all but yelled at you, and you didn’t know if he looked more angry, worried, or scared.

“What if I am!” You snapped back, wrapping your arms around yourself, and Daryl just scoffed, shaking his head.

“What was that, what were you thinking?!”

“You wanted to clear this place, didn’t you? That’s what I’m doing.” You shrugged, considering just walk past Daryl and go for the walkers again, maybe lock the door behind you so Daryl couldn’t follow you. You didn’t want to see him. You didn’t want to see anyone. You just wanted to kill the walkers. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted?

“You can’t go alone like that!” Daryl shouted at you in disbelieve. “They would have killed you!”

“What if they did?” You snapped back. Would have been a great loss? Sure nobody thought that. You weren’t even sure if you think it yourself. Daryl just looked at you, seeming dumbfounded and at loss of words, and you scoffed, turning over and rushing out of the cellblock.

“Y/N! Y/N, hey, wait!” Daryl ran after you and somehow it just made you angrier. “Maybe you should-”

**“Maybe you should go fuck yourself?”** You snapped, glaring at him, ready for him to snap back, to yell at you, you welcomed it. But he didn’t. Daryl just stared at you, seeming taken aback, but he didn’t yell, didn’t say anything at all.

“What? You got nothing to say all of a sudden?” You kept pushing. “I don’t need you babysitting me, I don’t need you pretending to be a hero and coming to save the day, I just don’t need you!” You yelled at him and you knew he was angry but Daryl looked down and didn’t say anything, didn’t yell back. Some part of your mind registered that you’d hurt him, and remorse pierced through your heart painfully, but you couldn’t stop. “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want anything to do with you!”

With that, you turned around again and rushed away, hiding into the first unlocked watchtower that you could find, away from everyone.

*

You felt horrible. You couldn’t believe you’d yelled all that to Daryl. He’d been trying to help, as always, you didn’t deserve it and yet he always took care of you, and you paid him like that. You were the worst. You didn’t deserve anyone’s care, and you didn’t deserve that group. You did nothing to contribute, you were just dead weight, and now you were rude to them too. You didn’t even know why they hadn’t kicked you out yet. Or how Daryl hadn’t snapped at you or yelled at you. Maybe they didn’t care enough. It’d be normal.

Daryl was right, those walkers would have devoured you, but he should have let them do it. There was no point on you staying with that group, they didn’t deserve to have to deal with you. If they didn’t send you away, then you would. Maybe that way you’d do at least one helpful thing, maybe you could do right to the group at least for once.

But you needed to apologize to Daryl first.

You found him sat down on top of a table, smoking, and when you approached him he didn’t look at you. He must be angry at you, you would, probably he wouldn’t want to see you ever again. You deserved it.

“I’m sorry…” You apologized weakly, feeling tears in your eyes. “What I said before…I’m sorry, it wasn’t true, I didn’t mean it.” You wished so much Daryl didn’t believe any of those horrible things you had said. “I’m really sorry.”

You expected Daryl to snap, to yell at you, to tell you to leave him again and never talk to him, but he didn’t, he just nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” You frowned, confused. It wasn’t okay. “I was horrible. Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

Daryl just shrugged. “Don’t want to…”

“Then what do you want?” Maybe he didn’t care enough to yell, maybe nothing you could say could bother him, because you were nothing to him. Maybe. You still felt like you needed punishment, though, and yet he wasn’t yelling how horrible you were. Maybe all he wanted was you to leave him alone.

“Just…just want to know what’s going on with you.” Daryl finally looked at you but you averted his eyes, feeling a lump in your throat. You were the worst and yet he was kind. You didn’t deserve it. You needed to leave those people, stop being a weight, stop making them worry about you. It’d be better if you weren’t there.

“I…I…just wanted to say sorry.” You whispered before rushing to retreat into the watchtower again.

Once it was dark outside, you left your hiding spot and walked to a spot on the fence that you knew you could open, hoping whoever was taking watch wouldn’t see you. It took you a bit but you found the spot, that tiny opening in the fence that Rick had closed with wire. You began trying to unwrap it, cursing under your breath as it was harder than you’d thought it would.

“What’re you doing?” Daryl’s voice made you jump and you turned around to find him right behind you, though you hadn’t even noticed him. “Where you going?”You just looked at him like a deer in headlights. “Y/N?”

“I’m leaving,” you finally managed to say, turning away from Daryl to fumble with the wire, though your fingers were shaking too much.

“Where to?” Daryl asked you without trying to stop you. Maybe he didn’t care. Or maybe he knew you weren’t getting even close to opening the fence.

“Away.” You tugged at the wire, frustrated, but it didn’t relent.

“Why?”

“What’s the point on me being here?” You snapped, hating how your voice broke. “I’m good for nothing, always been. I’m just a weight for all of you, you’d be better without me here dragging all of you down. None deserves to deal with my shit…and you less than anyone.”

“Quit saying bullshit,” Daryl replied, voice soft despite the harsh words.

“It’s not bullshit, it’s true!” You rubbed your eyes thought tears fell down your eyes anyway. “I’m a mess…everything’s wrong…none of you deserve to deal with this, just no.”

**“There’s nothing wrong with you.”**

More tears fell down your eyes at Daryl’s words and you shook your head. “You know nothing.”

“Then tell me.”

You shook your head again, rubbed your eyes, and began fumbling with the wire again. “I’m leaving, everything will be better without me here, you’ll see.”

“You know I’m not letting you.” Daryl grabbed your arms, pulling you away from the fence, but you flinched away.

“What you care!”

“You know I do. Everyone does.” Daryl looked down before locking eyes with you again and reaching out her hand. “Come on, let’s go back inside. You need to sleep.” You shook your head, chocking out a whimper.

“I know what I have to do.”

“Alright then.”

Before you knew what was happening or could do anything to stop it, Daryl was grabbing you again, and you yelped as he threw you over his shoulder, turning back to the cellblock.

“What the hell!” You kicked your legs but Daryl just held them tighter and when you punched his shoulder he just ignored you. “Daryl! Let me go!”

“You’ll wake the ones that are asleep,” was the only thing he said, though it silenced you. The idea of the others seeing you like this, seeing the mess you were, it was too shameful. If someone was awake and show Daryl carrying you like that while you cried, if he told them everything you’d done that day…everyone would think all kinds of things of you, and you deserved it but you felt tears in your eyes again anyway.

“I’ll walk. Let me down, I’ll go back to my cell, I’ll go by myself.”You begged. “I’ll do.”

Daryl seemed to think it for a couple of seconds but then he stopped, letting go of you but pushed you towards the cellblock. When he looked at you, though, his face softened, and he let out a sigh before reaching out to gently wipe your tears with his kunckless. “Come on.” His hand in your back guided you gently but firmly into the cellblock.

To your relief, everyone seemed to be inside their cells, and Daryl walked you to yours, gently pushing you inside. You looked at him but didn’t know what to say, and Daryl opened his mouth as if to say anything but didn’t, leaving the cell. You sat down on your bed, suddenly feeling numb, though a noise outside your cell caught your attention.

Daryl had taken his sleeping bag from the perch in which he slept and had placed at the corridor outside your cell. Not knowing what to do, you get into your bed, curling onto yourself, that feeling of numbness getting bigger, taking over you.

*

When you woke up the next morning, you were hit by the events of the day before. You were beyond ashamed. You couldn’t believe you’d been like that, the things you had said, the things you had done and tried to do. What have you been thinking? You pulled the sheets to cover you up to your head, hiding. You didn’t think you could ever leave that cell again…why would everyone think of you? What would Daryl think? You were such a mess. You were embarrassed you had thrown yourself at walkers like that and then tried to leave…though who knew, maybe you should have done it…

“Y/N,” Daryl’s voice called for you softly, but you didn’t move, and you felt him sitting down on the bed. “Y/N,” he tried again, this time tugging at the sheet carefully to uncover your head. “Are you gonna tell me what’s going on with you?”

You didn’t even know how, and tears filled your eyes again. “I’m a mess. Everything’s wrong with me.”

“**There’s nothing wrong with you,** told you so.”

You shook your head, curling onto yourself, your back to Daryl. You couldn’t face him. You didn’t want to leave that bed ever again. You thought you might be asleep again and dreaming when suddenly you felt Daryl curling up next to you and tentatively wrapping his arm around you.

“What are you doing?” You couldn’t help but whisper in shock.

“Sorry,” he muttered, quickly pulling away and trying to get up, but you were faster, grabbing his arm.

“No, please. Stay.” You pulled at him to make him lie down next to you again and Daryl let you, so you curled up again, keeping Daryl’s arm around you.

“Talk to me,” he told you quietly. You didn’t even know where to start.

“My mind is a mess. My brain is all messed up. It’s been, for years now. Just…don't have medication anymore…” You’d been raiding drugstores, pharmacies, everything you could, but a couple of weeks ago, you finally had run out of it. “So I can’t help…all of this. I’m a disaster. I just don’t even know how I feel half of the time, I can’t control it…” It seemed now that you had begun talking, you couldn’t stop yourself. “I hate it, but I don’t know what to do, I just can’t help it, I can’t stop it. I’m a disaster.

“You ain’t,” Daryl whispered back. “What can I do?”

You couldn’t help your sad smile at that, and you placed your hand on top of Daryl’s, lacing your fingers with his. “Nothing. And I…I just don’t want anyone to have to deal with this shit…so maybe it’d be better if I weren’t here.”

“No. Not happening,” Daryl said firmly.

“I can’t stop it, Daryl, I can’t help it. Can’t tell you I won’t be like yesterday again.” You turned onto your back so you could look at him. “I can’t tell you it’ll get better because I don’t think it will. And I just…I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“I’m sorry that you have to go through all that.” Daryl’s arm held you a bit tighter. “But you got me, and everyone else. Whatever your brain says, we care for you. I care for you…you ain’t gonna go through this alone. I got you okay? I ain’t gonna let anything hurt you, not even your brain.”

You smiling sadly, trying to believe his words, no matter you couldn’t, it was sweet. Most of you still felt like you didn’t deserve it and yet…yet you wished you did. You snuggled closer to Daryl, repeating his words in your head, trying to believe them, because you knew you were going to need it.

Maybe you could have hope in the future, maybe things will be okay. Maybe you weren’t a mess. Maybe your place was there, with your people. Maybe you weren’t alone, maybe you weren’t a burden. Maybe your people cared for you. Daryl did.

You tried to believe it all, as Daryl kept whispering it to you, making it easier.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, please drop me a comment if you have time a let me know your thoughts.  
As always, english is not my first language.


End file.
